I love you, Timmy.


For the lord my God will forever reign.

My dearest baby brother. i love you. 
i have been putting off this letter because i know as soon as i start writing i wont be able to stop crying. and as soon as im done writing, this will absolutely mean goodbye. I cant believe you are actually gone. i went to the hospital, the 3 viewings and the service at church, i saw your body and that fake smile they put on your face. but i cant believe it. it is like a sick little joke and you are going to pop out of the closet or from behind a door at any time and scare the shit out of me. i am half expecting you to tell me this is a joke. but it isn't. you are the sweetest little brother. i didn't call you, text you, or visit you as much as i should have. i didnt know your favorite color, your favorite food, your favorite movie or your favorite bible verse. but i loved you still. you were supposed to have mom and dad a grand-baby so they would lay off me. but i loved you still. you were supposed to give me away at my wedding. but i love you still . you would hug me So tight with my arms to my sides that my spine would snap crackle pop and my ribs would feel like an accordion. but i loved you still. you missed my birthday and you were busy on new years. but i loved you still. you taught me how awesome it was to lick people, and then my fiance thought i had lost it. but i loved you still. you found a new life in Christ while i was ashamed of my own life. but i loved you still. you moved out and weren't there every weekend when i came to visit. but i loved you still. you made it seem impossible to love your antics some days. oh but i loved you still. you deleted all of my photos from my engagement party. but i loved you still. you grew up too fast, you became a man when i wanted you to stay my baby brother. but i loved you still. i know God didn't take you away from us. He graciously lent us your beautiful soul for 20 short years. it doesn't matter how old we were when we met. i loved you still. it doesnt matter if our relationship was far from the normal. i loved you still. and although we never grew up together, although we never shared the tub when we were babies, or had birthday parties together, or went to grandmas house on the weekends. i loved you so much. i spent so many nights as a child wondering what my 'other' brother was like. did he look like me? did other kids think he was as weird as me? did we like the same foods or the same movies? and then i met you. and i loved you so much. and i still love you so much. it might take me forever to get over this feeling but i know that one day, when i have earned all my gold stars God will invite me to see you again. i cant wait to see that toothy grin and have your saliva all over my arm again. i miss you so much baby brother.


2 comments:

  1. Aleks, praying for you and your family in this difficult season. I found your blog through the coast-to-coast linkup and realized we're Lafayette neighbors. Praying, praying, praying.

    ReplyDelete

Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever; wisdom and power are his.